Indelible News Stain November 2024
Did you know that swirling a wine in glass will summon the spirit of Bacchus?
Is it a bird, is it a plane? Why it’s both! it’s a metal duck.
Hello you! You fermentational philosopher and grape-fueled dreamer. It’s Monty McMinty here, still recovering from last month’s Zombie crisis…
This month, we’re diving into stories so bizarre that even your drunkendest wine f(r)iend, couldn’t make them up. So, grab your glass, brace your palates and palate your braces because as your palate braces like a palette of flavors or a bracelet of tastes, we gracefully face a feast of unfeasible fudge that only the wine world can place.
Breathe Monty, Breathe… and here we go!
Aldi’s Kylie Rosé Rivalry
Aldi, the grocery chain - has been spinning around and thrown down the gauntlet in the world of celebrity wines by launching their own rosé, Rosalie - a suspiciously similar rival to Kylie Minogue’s signature rosé - each bottle signed by Kylie herself.
Critics are doing the locomotion, calling it the budget-friendly alternative for those who can’t splurge on Kylie’s version. Kylie fans, however, should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky. They are outraged by what they’re calling a “can’t-get-this-out-of-my-head rosé rip-off.”
Aldi, may or may not have responded with the eloquent statement:
“It’s pink. It’s wine. Deal with it.”
It’s like watching someone step back in time to photocopy the Mona Lisa and sell it at a yard sale for $5. But, in this case, a photocopy of the Mona Lisa actually tastes better chilled. Better the devil you know.
California’s Grape Glut Crisis Meets...Waterbeds?
California’s oversupply of grapes has reached critical levels, with juice prices plummeting below bottled spring water in some areas. Enter AquaVino, an innovative company using surplus grape juice to fill luxury, bouncy waterbeds.
“It’s cheaper than water,” claimed the CEO, Crippen Bellows, “and it gives sleepers an out-of-body, full-bodied experience.” The company is already experimenting with grape-juice-filled hot tubs and ergonomic office chairs, perfect for the wine-obsessed worker.
Environmentalists applaud the move, while skeptics argue it’s “peak California nonsense.” But AquaVino promises that “sleeping on Merlot” is the next big wellness trend.
So, if you’ve ever dreamed of aging gracefully in oak, now’s your chance. Just don’t let your waterbed ferment and watch your nails don’t pop a leak!
Discovery of a 2,000-Year-Old Wine...and Human Remains
In Carmona, Spain, renovators stumbled upon a Roman tomb containing ancient wine mixed with cremated remains. Archaeologists suggest the wine was meant as an offering for the afterlife, but modern wine lovers can’t help imagining the tasting notes.
Experts describe the flavor as “bold, with notes of history and a surprisingly gritty texture.” Sommeliers are debating whether this counts as the world’s oldest skin-contact wine.
Finally, a vintage so exclusive, it’s literally to die for. The winemaker’s blending secret? Taken to the grave.
Pizza Hut’s Tomato Wine
Yes, Pizza Hut has decided that pizza and wine aren’t enough when served together - there needs to be more. The Pizza Hut think tank - a.k.a. the Pizza Illuminati - have combined them into one product: a tomato-basil wine blend. A culinary Frankenstein’s monster priced to market at $25 a bottle.
Because why stop at pineapple on pizza when you can blend your own sacrilege for the price of a pizza slice and a glass of plonk?
Retired Burgundy Appellation Signs and the Rise of Côte de Faux
In an unusual auction, retired Burgundy appellation signs were sold off. Rumor has it that they were snapped up by a mysterious Vin-vestor, who is planning to create a new Burgundian Wine region in Worcestershire, UK.
They are on a budget and have chosen to plant Baco Noir - the Scrappy-Doo to the Scooby Pinoo - and have hired influencers to promote the “region” as the next big thing. Early reviews call the wine “unsurprisingly undrinkable for something undrinkable.”
It’s Burgundy, Jim, but not as we know it. The Côte de Faux promises all the prestige of Montrachet, with marketing as smooth as a Vosne-Romanée and substance as questionable as Gastronomy at a Gas station. After all, why aim for Clos de Vougeot when you can settle for ‘Clos Enough’?
Russian Counterfeiter and Italian Burgundy Scandal
A daring Russian counterfeiter thought he could outwit sommeliers by selling Italian wine disguised as Burgundy.
His defense? “Italy and Burgundy are close enough, geographically speaking.”
The scam unraveled when sommeliers detected notes of Chianti Classico in a supposed Grand Cru. The counterfeiter claimed this was a tribute to “European unity.” Authorities were less impressed.
Nothing says ‘I respect wine’ like slapping a fake label on a Chianti and selling it for the price of a used car. I guess that he had a “Rudy wakening.”
And in further news, my wife and Elaine from accounting are pitching a Napa-based reality show, “Barrels of Love,” for Somm and winemaker to find true love.
I've been Monty McMinty, and you've been whomever you are impersonating.
Godspeed and Good Bibble to all!
