Indelible Wine Stain's Guide to Ordering Wine from a Restaurant Wine List like a Professional Restaurant Wine List Adept
The title was so long that there is no need for a sub-title
Hey you, over there…yes, you.
Have you ever found yourself befuddled, kerflunked and bamboozled into a nervous, sweaty mess at a restaurant, staring at the wine list as if it's the hieroglyphic manual for your Ikea flat-pack fun-time?
There you are all swanky and hunger-bound…the Sommelier approaches, charged, exuding an air of intimidating expertise. They shine their pin, lock onto you like an eagle to a tortoise; ready to swoop, catch, ascend, drop, and… crack your evening wide open. You are tortoise meat.
You manage to dodge their move and say, “I’ve got this,” but the wine list in your hands feels like a sacred scroll of ancient wisdom. As you flip through the pages, each more bewildering than the last, it dawns on you that this isn't just a list, it's a tome. A veritable scripture of vinous lore, demanding a choice that will please all palates and respect all price points.
The pressure mounts as you scan the descriptions, filled with poetic jargon. Hints of “forest floor,” “brambly fruit,” and “ethereal minerality,” it might as well be written in Elvish. Your heart races, everybody is looking.
The responsibility looms large, like the weight of selecting the perfect wine has transformed into a moral quest. Can you find that elusive bottle that balances boldness with elegance, satisfies the red lovers and the white enthusiasts, all while avoiding the dreaded double mortgage refinancing of restaurant markups? All of your guests will laugh at you. Your wife will leave you for Dave. Dave will finally get his revenge for Linda, all those years ago.
In this moment of existential angst, you might find yourself longing for simpler times. The moment demands bravery. It demands cunning. It demands a secret, savvy skill set that the average diner simply does not possess. It requires this article!
First, let’s explore two extremes of wine lists: the largest and the smallest in the world. Just as tasting the best and worst wines can sharpen your palate, comparing these opposite ends of the wine list spectrum will deepen your understanding of how to navigate any wine menu with confidence.
The World's Largest Wine List
Nestled in the heart of New York, La Cave des Mille Vins boasts the largest wine list ever imagined. This legendary restaurant, renowned for its extensive selection, spans an entire city block. The sheer volume of wines necessitates an intricate network of infrastructure, including a series of interconnected buildings, each dedicated to different wine regions.
The collection is so vast that an underground train shuttle system, reminiscent of a small metro, is in place to transport cellar hands and sommeliers between storage locations. The storage buildings themselves are architectural marvels, with some housing rare vintages and others dedicated to emerging wine regions.
To efficiently manage this colossal collection, a pneumatic mail tube system is employed to whisk selected bottles from the depths of the cellars directly to the restaurant above. This system ensures that patrons receive their wines in perfect condition and temperature. Maintaining such an extensive collection is no small feat, requiring a dedicated wine team of 85 experts. These individuals, ranging from Sommeliers to Cellarmasters and from editors to printers, work tirelessly to keep the wine list updated, organized, accurate and ready for daily service.
Given the enormity of the list, which takes an average of three days to peruse in its entirety, it is highly recommended that guests consult with a sommelier. In fact, pre-ordering your wine selection is advised to avoid getting lost in the vast sea of options. The experience of choosing a wine at La Cave des Mille Vins is akin to embarking on an epic adventure, navigating through countless vineyards and terroirs from around the world.
The World's Smallest Curated Wine List
In contrast, on the other side of the city lies the minimalist eatery Vin Simplicité, where the wine list is refreshingly simple. The offerings are straightforward: one sparkling, one white, and one red wine. Should a guest desire a rosé, the solution is delightfully rudimentary - simply blend the white and red together. For those with a sweet tooth, the sweet wine option involves adding a dash of honey to the white wine.
This no-frills approach stands in stark juxtaposition to the extravagance of La Cave des Mille Vins, offering a charming simplicity that caters to those who prefer less complexity in their wine choices.
Whether you're diving into the extravagant world of La Cave des Mille Vins or enjoying the straightforward pleasures of Vin Simplicité, these two establishments offer unique and memorable experiences for wine enthusiasts. From the absurdly extensive to the delightfully simple, there's something for everyone in this diverse wine journey.
Lets’ Learn to Order
The Aged Treasure Hunt
When faced with the overwhelming options of a wine list, opt for the least popular wine. The logic? It's probably been sitting in the cellar longer, aging gracefully in solitude. Like a hidden treasure, this wine has had ample time to mellow and settle, offering you a unique sip of aged perfection that everyone else overlooked.
Contrarian Pairings
To truly impress, ask the Sommelier for the perfect pairing and then order the complete opposite. For example, if they suggest a crisp, acidic Riesling to pair with your delicate trout, boldly choose a heavy, tannic Tannat from Uruguay. The clash between the strong, astringent tannins and subtle fish flavors will be akin to inviting Joseph Stalin and Jeff Goldblum to the same dinner party - an undeniably terrible match, but one that guarantees a night that no one will forget. After all Jeff, is an indelible stain himself.
Beyond the Cheapest
Forget the rule of the second cheapest; go for the fourth or fifth cheapest wine. It's the perfect balance between looking like you're not cutting corners while also avoiding the most blatant markup traps. Plus, everybody knows that the fifth cheapest is where the Sommelier hides their secret gems - the ones they put there just for adventurous spirits like you.
The Matrix Paradox
Dare to ask the Sommelier for their least favorite wine - the one they wouldn’t dream of recommending. This existential query will likely cause a glitch in the matrix, freezing the staff in disbelief. Be swift! Seize the moment to raid the wine cellar! Load up on your newfound spoils and grease your soles for a quick escape.
And don’t forget to snag a cheeky shrimp cocktail on your way out. After all, it’s the perfect heist: wine and shrimp in one exhilarating getaway.
Accents and Aesthetics
Enhance your experience by ordering wines with accents! Whether it’s a French wine ordered in an over-the-top French accent or an Italian wine requested with a singy-songy Italian flair, the key is to commit fully. For an added challenge, order an Australian wine like a Glaetzer "Amon-Ra" in an exaggerated Aussie twang or attempt the elusive Hungarian accent for a Royal Tokaji Wine Company “Dry Furmint.”
Just remember, the goal is to celebrate, not caricature, cultural diversity - let’s aim higher than Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's and keep it classy with our accent-play.
Vintage Roulette: The Worst of the Worst
Why not try ordering a wine from the worst vintage available. It's a perfect baseline for developing your palate - by experiencing the worst, you'll know exactly what to avoid in the future. It's like choosing bad friends to better appreciate the good ones later. Consider it an educational experience.
Expressive Appreciation
Sometimes, the best way to appreciate wine is through spontaneous exclamations. Allow the wine to inspire you and respond with a primal shout, a word, or even a sound. This raw expression of appreciation will surely set a new standard for wine tasting etiquette. Imagine a restaurant filled with guests letting out heartfelt "Ahhs" and "Oohs"—a symphony of uninhibited enjoyment. Perhaps even a “Woooouuuuuuaaaaaaai!.”
Kitchen Collaboration
Take wine pairing to the next level by asking the kitchen to “create” a wine. After all, it's just a mix of acid, sugar, alcohol, phenolics, and a dash of love. This request might baffle the chef, but it's a fantastic way to involve the kitchen in your dining experience. Who knows? You might end up with a unique house blend that defies all known oenological and earthly categories.
Sommelier Philanthropy
Always leave a quarter of the bottle for the Sommelier but instruct them to share it with the dishwashers. These unsung heroes might just be tomorrow's Sommeliers, and sharing the wealth helps foster the next generation of wine experts. A small gesture with a potentially big impact, making you seem like you are both generous and thoughtful. Plus, then you can leave less of a tip.
By following these insightful tips, you'll not only navigate the wine list with flair but also leave an indelible mark on your dining experience - like a red wine stain on your trousers, impossible to miss and sure to spark awkward conversations for years to come.