Starting them young!
A report from the Bureau of Grape Unification Strategies (BOGUS) has sent shockwaves through the wine world: global wine sales are plummeting.
Millennials, Gen Z, Lay-Z, Preparation H and the Skibidi-Y are turning to craft cocktails, mocktails, micro-fi-stable water and flavored milks - leaving the wine industry grappling for relevance like a free-climber on the Gherkin.
In an unprecedented move, the think-tank assembled a task force of brilliant - and questionably qualified - masterminds to tackle the crisis head-on.
Their conclusion? Get kids into wine early on to save the wine industry!
Early reports have shown that 87.4% of statistics are fabricated for reports. Never-the-less, these ideas are forming to tackle the rising issues.
The Juice Box Revolution
Leading the charge is the world’s youngest sommelier, our very own Timotay Rollakin, who recently announced his appointment as the official ambassador for “Wine for the Wee Ones,” an ingenious and insightful initiative that seamlessly blends education, entertainment and enlightenment into an eloquent escapade of epicurean edification.
At just nine years old, Timotay has taken the wine world by storm with his Juicebox Masterclass series, held exclusively at Playground, NYC’s trendiest Michelin-ish Restaurant.
“Kids need to learn the fundamentals of tasting early,” Timotay explained, swirling a juice box with an elegance far beyond his years. “The Malic 22 Blend has an impressively crispy mid-palate with a sharp, lingering finish."
Parents and adults alike rave about Timotay’s workshops, where juice boxes are paired with childhood classics like Goldfish crackers and stringy cheese.
The campaign has been described as a “gateway to refined palates” and is rumored to have secured endorsements from leading juice brands like “James and John’s Juicy Juices” and “Too Much Sunshine.”
Thomas the Tank and Friends: A Winery Adventure
For a younger audience, the task force has greenlit a reboot of the classic Thomas the Tank Engine series. This time, the story is set in a state-of-the-art winery, where Thomas the Stainless-Steel Fermentation Tank and his mechanical companions teach children the science of modern winemaking.
Critics are already calling it: “a delightful blend of STEM education and grape-based entertainment. Albeit without the engaging narration of Ringo Starr.”
Episodes will tackle challenges like achieving perfect brix levels and thwarting villains like “Dirty Brett”, a rogue Bacteria strain that seems like a problem but often helps a little by the end of the episode.
Wine Gums: The Next Generation
Remember wine gums?
No, not the fake dentures made of solidified wine.
We’re talking about those chewy candies, first invented in 1909 as a way to deter alcohol consumption. Well, the task force has given this classic treat a modern twist - by adding a touch of alcohol and a lineup of obscure grape-inspired flavors. Now kids can enjoy artisanal gums like:
Baboso Blackout
A moody chew for little adventurers, with a flavor so deep and dark it might just “get lost” on the palate…
Plavac Punch:
A chewy powerhouse that’s bold, fruity and a little wild child.
Blaufränkisch Blast:
A tangy treat with peppery meat!
Perfect for kids who like surprises…
Trebbiano Twist:
The chew for minimalists, offering a subtle flavor profile that’s as neutral as its reputation in winemaking. Luckily this one is produced by Emidio Pepe.
What’s Next for BOGUS initiatives?
This is just the beginning. Plans for future campaigns include a “Wine Wizard Academy” app where kids collect “Terroir Tokens” and unlock magical wine facts and don’t forget the “Tiny Corks for Tiny Hands” line of child-friendly Decanters, Oxidizers, Malo-Removers and Fibulation-Microstimulators.
Initial feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.
"It’s time we stopped underestimating kids," said Professor Dapht-Apath, head of the think tank. “If they can learn to play Fortnite, they can learn malolactic fermentation.”
With these groundbreaking initiatives, the future of wine might just lie in the hands of today’s juice-box generation.